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Well, i feel like someone just tore my heart out, jumped on it and stuffed it back in the wrong way round.

I just talked, like fone-talked, to my Angel. This distance thing is gonna kill us both at this rate.

And of course, I totally blame myself. Cos if I weren't so useless, I'd have a job, I'd have an income... I could be saving to get a plane ticket, get a cheap room... can't be more than five or six hundred pounds, can it?

But instead i'm living off my parents.. they pay my rent and feed me and pay my bills... i'm a grade-A sponge... i've got a god-damn degree.. i had to work hard to get it... i had to do a lot more than most students just to scrape by. i got a 2:2... not exactly great, but not too bad i suppose, not under the circumstances.

And yet i'm still useless... i still can't get a job. I don't have the right skills.. and the skills i have i don't have proof for cos i learnt 'em on my home computers...

I can't code C++, I can barely manage Java... and as for Java AWT, not a hope... Perl, I love and i'm not bad at it... upto a fairly complex level... and I can do Basic, but not VB.... the old Spectrum, and FirstClass RAD... but not VB... not the *saleable* skill...

I need to get my act together and learn to code in some other languages.... even though I don't like coding, and even though as soon as my concentration starts to go and depression starts to kick in, i loose the ability to do it very well... i think i'm gonna have to become a production line programmer or some-such.... but i need the language skills first.

God i hate myself for what i'm going to you Angel. i hate that i'm causing you pain like this.

but you have to know i love you. and i'm gonna learn the languages... VB first, cos it's close to FC-RAD Basic, then I'll tackle Perl properly, not the slapdash way i learnt the stuff i know.. then finally the biggy... C++... cos if i can do C++, I can do Java.... since it's a kinda stylised sub-set.. with a few differences of course, but the object mechanisms are similar and i know some java, so i have a starting point...

This is my plan:

  1. Finish this code i have to do for Unified Links,

  2. Do the Visual Basic in 75 hours book I've got,

  3. Do Learning Perl from the start,

  4. Go through Programming Perl and Advanced Perl,

  5. Do the First Book of C++ I've got,

  6. Do the MFC in Visual C++ book,

  7. Tackle Tannenbaum, Operating Systems ed.2.. the 2nd edition of the Minix book,

  8. Do some kernel-hacking on Linux.. nothing major, just figuring out how bits work,

  9. Go through the more advanced parts of the Java books, like the AWT.

  10. The last step is to learn PHP, cos it's UNIX, and cos it's more powerful than ASP on WNT/W2K and IIS.

That covers:

  • VB atlest in basics,

  • Perl to a fairly advanced level,

  • C++ to an advanced level; low-level devices etc.

  • Visual C++, atleast for the Microsoft Foundation Classes.. hopefully the plain C++ will give me the ability to do a lot more,

  • Java, including the AWT for graphics.

  • PHP

And can be added to:

  • ASP on WNT/W2K and IIS

  • HTML

  • FC-RAD Basic

  • A good range of WNT/W2K System Admin skills

  • Some knowledge of UNIX System Admin

  • That silly little bit of me that *adores* playing with computers and won't give up till it does what I want... ;-)

There ya go... my list... my Grand Plan...

And I'm hoping to stick to it... actually, i *AM* gonna stick to it. lets be positive here, shall we...?

I've got a few things i have to do in and around the Plan, like the UL website to work on, and my own personal one, which I'm hoping to augment with bit's of code, server and client side... as a demo site, kind of an extended CV... and I started a new one for the Railway too... same idea, cept it's not a personal site, it's a proper corporate one.. atleast in style, etc.

I'm worded out. I need to stop, so I'm gonna....


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