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1st Apr, 2009

I definitely seem to have fallen off the rim of the rut and slap bang into the middle of it... stupid birthday seems to have focussed things a bit too sharpy, and I can't seem to shake off the whole uselessness thing...

And no, its not time to see the doctor... this seems to be purely emotional depression without a clinical component; my concentration is still there (I can still write code and it still works, so it seems to be ok, anyway), my appetite hasn't particularly altered and all the other normal stuff that happen when i'm getting messed up haven't.

I guess it comes down to this; I have no idea how to fix this.

I know what is wrong; when you come right down to it, its money. I have none and I have none coming in. Problem with that statement though, is that it somewhat over-simplifies... atleast until my Lotto numbers come up.

So then it comes down to the job situation, and there it hits a brick wall. I have a huge hole in my work history, which doesn't go down well with employers... and if I get to an interview (and thats a big if) it leads the "what have you been doing in these gaps?" questions, and the answer "looking for a job and trying to keep myself vaguely in touch with computing" doesn't seem to cut it... and everybody seems to agree that referring to mental health issues isn't a good idea, so "trying to keep myself sane and avoid killing myself" doesn't seem like a good answer.

But then, I haven't had an interview in a long time.

Which (naturally, given my wonderful head), leads me to question whether I'm even vaguely any use at any of this computing stuff... (and I don't really have an answer for that question... I used to think I was, now -shrug- who knows? And how do you find out something like that? Its not like there's a "am i a useful l'il geek?" service out there...)

So what would I do if i'm not doing computery-stuff? I have ok GCSEs (3As, some Bs and some Cs... A*s didn't exist back then), pretty crappy A levels (C and D) and a 2:2 degree (which I'm damn proud of having gotten, but hate that its the grade it is....)

But I don't really have anything else I'm any good at...

So whats left?

Thats my problem... what is left???