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27th Sep, 2007

so, my job interview sukked... i *hate* them... (interviews that is... the company seems nice enough i guess)... i just get *insanely* nervous and the nerves screw me up in the interview itself... i haven't heard back from them yet.. and after the interview, i'm not really surprised... i don't really expect to get called back for a second interview on this one, just cos i went to pieces when they were talking to me... i mean, i can do the job, i'm sure of that...

so yeah, thats fun.... -shudder-

And in other news, i heard from Leeds gender clinic at the back end of last week... I have an appointment for my first assessment interview... in january... so after, what, 5 years on their waiting list, i only have a nother 3 months or so to wait!

i'm scared... actually, if i really think about it for more than a few seconds, i'm terrified.... that they might say i'm not really transgendered and that that will be the end of any chance i have of getting what i *need* to be happy and fulfilled and live out my days in relative peace.... so much rides on these assessment interviews... what if i do like i do in job interviews? what if i just can't get across what this means to me and how much it hurts just to live every day? how much this stupid body that i got stuck with is *wrong*...? how terribly tempting it is when i get depressed to take the fuck-off big-bad-scary chef's knife that is usually razor sharp and do some anatomical pruning......?

damnit, i've got three fucking months of this crap running through my head... why couldn't they have just said "yeah, your appointment is next friday" or something like that?