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6th May, 2004

I've just been watching something on tv and it brought back a lot of stuff i've not even thought about in years, from when i was back at school.

OK, so, at primary school they had a grading system where you got grades for effort and acheivement, with 1 being best and 5 being worst. you got graded in different subjects, across the curriculum. i was always getting 2:2 and my favourite phrase of the day was "could do better but must try harder."

I hit secondary school and stuff kinda 'clicked;' i started to enjoy lessons more and i started getting good grades... A's in lots of subjects, and i did really well in maths. so good that in my second year i got to do "mathematics masterclasses" put on by Leeds Uni for, I think it was, 20 of the most ablest maths students in the area.

And as i started doing better in school, so i started getting picked on for being smart. I was a skinny, scrawny kid anyway, and I wore glasses; you're stereotypical 'geek'. Plus i wasnt exactly the sportiest of kids... i enjoyed kicking a ball around but i didn't have any real competitive urge to do well, nor the prowess to back it up even if i'd had it.

The more i got picked on for it, the less able I acted... being smart ended up with me being the target of jokes and the butt of name-calling... and it might sound weak but try that for a year, two years and on-going... it gets to you.

Atleast if i wasn't acting smart, I wasn't actively being focussed on.

So i became very solitary. I really didn't have many friends. I think by my fourth year, I could go days without speaking to anyone in my year; I just hovered on the verges, let the world flow around me, and mostly only answered questions in class that were asked directly to me.

I'm not gonna try pretend i had no friends; there were a few people i talked to in my year in certain lessons and i had a few friends, including lnr, but of everybody i would say was a friend at school, she's the one i'm most in touch with, and there's only one other i have any kind of contact with.

Apparently the friendships you make at school and uni are the strongest, so i guess i'm in a bit of a mess.... cos i count maybe 3 close friendships that i still have regular-ish contact with.

I was watching this thing on able kids on bbc2... and they were on about how able kids shouldn't be made to feel isolated and stuff... and it just hit me how much i'd run away from what ability i have got. Because it hurt to damn much to go through every day expecting to be derided for answering questions in class.

In many ways I guess in retrospect, i hate the way i let it affect me, but at the time, it seemed perfectly natural and sensible; smart=bad-idea... i think i probably set myself up to screw up my A-levels... I'd gotten into this habbit of being dumb by then... just doing enough to get a reasonable grade, never really pushing.

'Course, being pulled back to re-do a maths course I'd already done when there were news stories about kids of 14 doing their GCSE's was frustrating as hell, and I suppose that just reinforced the idea that being intelligent and using intelligence doesn't get you anywhere. By the end of my 2nd year at high school, I'd easily completed the course book for the top-set in maths for about half the 3rd year... re-doing it all was just dumb; I'd got 90% and over the whole damn thing.

My sister dying is such a huge event, it colours my past-perception, and it makes it very difficult to actually remember stuff that came before that, especially negative stuff that i'd like to forget anyway. I'm starting out on therapy at the moment, i've been going for a little while now and i guess i'm trying to think more about what's come before, not from a transgender perspective, which i've expended a lot of time and emotion doing, but from a 'bad stuff happened' perspective.

I suppose i'm trying to work out where my life went so wrong. how i'm 27, have recurring, crippling depression and managed to loose touch with the one dream i really had for my future which was to become an architect and design cool buildings that'd be around for a long time; something that might outlive me.

What happened?

I haven't a clue.

How do i fix this?

Still no clue.

Do I even want to?


Do I have the courage to do it?

I don't know.


( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )
6th Jun, 2004 07:14 (UTC)
I miss you very, very much. I wish we could still speak to one another. Email me?

Love you,

( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )