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So it's been a while since my last update... so a quick update on the major events. I guess the biggie is that I had my interview with the Community Mental Health psychiatrist. It's official, i'm not nuts... i'm not making it up or anything; the transgender stuff i feel every day, that hurts and puts me through anguish and heartache is atleast something real... something i might even come out the other end of alive... you never know.

On the downside, Leeds Gender Clinic has closed their waiting list as it's too long... the psych guy talked to the person who is in charge of the clinic, who happens to be a psychotherapist too... so the current plan is to go on to that waiting list, see the therapist, then when the GIC picks up people again, get added to the list, hopefully bypassing a bit of it... and since me's not exactly unscrewed up, i figure the therapy aspect can't hurt... might help me work out how to avoid going deep-end when stuff kicks me unexpectedly; it's not right that something can send me to the verge of suicide just because it drops on me out of the blue.

Other stuff, well, busy-busy with websites; both for Anne (the charity sites is ongoing, the reef project site is now coming into the focus of my efforts), and I have some stuff i'm doing for a guy for a proper company that i can use as current stuff on my cv. That one's had me doing Java this past week... it's taken a long time to produce something quite small, just a reasonably simple news ticker applet, but it's nearly three years since i last wrote a line of java code... and i've been trying to write it in up-to-date Java (ie java2se 1.4.2)... with Graphics2D and that sort of thing in use, rather than the stuff i have books on (java 1.0.2 and 1.1)... quite a lot of stuff has changed; things get depracated and things get introduced, stuff works differently... so lots of wading through API docs and the like to work out how to achieve fairly simple stuff; still i'm pleased with the results; it's proper object-oriented stuff, no shortcuts, no cramming everything into a single class... i even have wrote a superclass and a subclass of it, so it's using inheritance and so forth... while i've not forgotten as much as i expected, i never really know more than the very basics in the first place, so it's not like i can sit down and write an application tomorrow... but it's a start.

I'm having a wierd kinda day today... i've not done much, which is the first day in a week where i can say that. i sat around, mudged around my lan, played with a few firewall rules to get Samba on my main linux box accessible from other machines, played music, watched tv, had a bath... and that's about it.

It's left me in a really, i dunno... empty mood... i mean, i guess sitting here writing this, i should be feeling atleast reasonably enthusiastic about the future; stuff is happening with the transition-thing... alright, it's not like i'm on hormones and real-life-test and everything else, but it's a start. and yet i don't even feel unenthusiastic...

i guess i'm just drained or something... physically tired, mentally a bit drained... but mostly just emotionally... gone.

Well, guess i'm gonna go try recharge or something... s'bed time.

'night all


( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
10th Mar, 2004 21:54 (UTC)
you should definitely check out militart's journal, which deals heavily with her gender dysphoria and her gender transformation process.

she is a total doll and i'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you via private email if you need some support from someone who's gone through/is going through what you're going through.
12th Mar, 2004 18:30 (UTC)
Thanks hunny *^_^*

I just took a *very* brief dip; think i might keep an eye on it.

Atleast so far as I manage to read anyone's journal atm... it's only by fluke that i spotted your posting about CGI... I hardly ever get time at the mo; working on coding (and I mean *coding*, not just writing html.. we're talking PHP, Javascript, Java, SQL in addition to XHTML and CSS here...) and keeping myself semi-sane takes up quite a lot of my time :-(
( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )