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I guess I should write something about this... even if it is gonna be more in the 'therapy' vein than i'd planned on using my reinvented LJ for.

The past few months have been hard... harder than i let on i guess. the whole psyc thingy is getting to me a lot, but there's more to it than that.

For as long as I can remember, i've always wanted to have a child... it was always something i was sure would happen when i was, that old favourite, 'a little older'. And when my sister died, it became even more important to me. Not in the whole 'i must continue the line' kinda way, it just gained another few notches of importance.

Ya see, i'm a total sucker for kids. Many would say it's cos i'm mentally not much more than one myself. -shrug- whatever. I guess in a lot of ways, i value children more highly than adults; they're more honest and, ok, i'm sure someone's said this before... innocent eyes see more clearly. i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to explain this whole thing too well.

The past few months i've been broody... and i don't mean in the 'aww, baby... cute' sense, i mean in the out'n'out, i want to have a baby of my own sense...

And there seems to be more children around recently... i guess i'm just more aware of their presence or something... i can't imagine a baby-boom happening at just the right times to coincidentally cause an increase in the population of babies and small children...

This is something i'm feeling as an absolute *longing*.... this is probably stronger even than the whole desire to transition.... and i know that women (yep, generalisation...i guess it's 'some women' not just *women* i mean here) do get broody and i should get on with my life and get over it...

I guess the problem is that for someone who's genes and physical development allow them the possibility of conception and child birth, then broodyness is something that can be acted on. Obviously I'm not saying that every woman can have a child, i'm not stupid, i do know there are a whole range of reason why women cannot conceive, carry to term, give birth, etc, i'm being quite general about this because it's not really *about* women as a whole.

Ti *problem* is that for someone who got stuck in the wrong body at birth, i *can't* conceive, i have absolutely ZERO chance of ever conceiving.

I'm stuck... and it hurts *so* damn MUCH

And each time i see a baby, every little kid i see out there with their mum... i wish that that could be me and my baby, my child. That tiny little perfect miniature person...

I got to see my 'nearly-neice' at christmas; she's three-and-a-half years old now... a total chatterbox. She's adorable, most of the time... the rest of the time, she's a three-and-a-half year old wildcat... like every other child out there. And when she was being as obnoxious as she could be, screaming and throwing a total mega-strop, someone asked me if i still wanted to have a child.... i hate to say it, but dumb question. Dumber still, I almost burst into tears.

And that's what I'm like atm... i'm floating around stressing and trying to keep my head active and on the verge of tears atleast 50% of the time... I've spent more time in tears these past few months than i can remember.

There really are only three things I truly *want* from life.... the rest is luxury... to be a woman, to be a mother and to be able to make ends meet so as to provide for my child.

And i was cheated of so much of that before i was even born.

I would be a great mum.