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27th Nov, 2003

and nightmares in my daydreams
the lurking memories
fall like scattered leaves
blown to the edges
by endings.

love is an empty thing without reciprocation. dreams are hollow without hope. the future looks darker every day that does by.

this is the last time i mention this. actually, i'm not sure i'm gonna post anything else in here anyway. i'm not sure it's healthy to fall back on writing into livejournal whenever things get to the Bad.... it can't be a good thing that i almost rely on a database with a web interface as a form of therapy.

i probably *need* some kind of therapy, but i don't think that LJ is it... and to be honest, i'm not sure i want to get any better. to be honest... i'd rather be out of it all.

what the hell do i need to do to be wanted? i have. no. i *had*... no, oh i don't know. damnit. i'm unwanted by *her*, i'm unwanted by every stupid job i apply for.

damnit. forget it.

and don't anyone jump to any conclusions about what this entry means.



( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
27th Nov, 2003 15:11 (UTC)
i think that LJ is actually a good way to express these feelings, and while many people use it to get self-validation, many use their writing as a genuine form of therapy. i know many people who post this stuff in private entries - it just helps to get it out, to externalize it in some way.... kind of like writing a letter that you never send.

if you think that therapy might help you, then go for it. i resisted for so long due to the stigma attached to it, but at some point you just have to do what's right for you, and under certain circumstances, therapy may be it. for some people it's medication or drugs or whatever, for others it's exercise or art...whatever works. you may want to try some form of internal art like yoga or tai chi, or a form of alternative healing like reiki, which can all be very effective.

and no matter what, just don't let yourself forget that personal healing takes time - sometimes it takes longer than we like, but if the desire is there, it will come.

hang in there.
29th Nov, 2003 12:03 (UTC)
I used to go to counselling back when I was at Uni, and I did a little bit of psychotherapy a couple of years back... in fact, that finished almost exactly 2 years ago.

I'm unravelling... it's something i've been through so many times before, and every time i think i've got a handle on what's happenning, or why, or how or any of that kind of thing, the depressiony stuff manages to throw me something different to try figure out.

i had a think about this the other day... it's 10 years since stuff really started to come off the rails, even before my sister died there was stuff going on.

i've been on antidepressies enough times to know that they aren't a cure... i'm sure for some people just the drugs are enough, but i seem to have gotten caught in cyclic depression and it just keeps coming around for another pop at me.

The main reason for not writing in it, if i actually go through with that, is basically because i hardly ever even check into LJ except when I'm feeling down... and it doesn't do me a lot of good... it's a stupid piece of mental-blocking really, but the fact that i hardly ever get comments on my posts is enough for me to feel unwanted and unread.... even though (or possibly even because) i sometimes post stuff, especiallt the personal stuff, as friends-only.

I guess i'm feeling hugely trapped and entirely powerless... and partly that's due to the way the benefits system works over here for the long-term unemployed; if you're out of work for a long time, they force you to do stuff... i'm into that phase now, and so far on this thing i'm doing, i've been there a week, 30 hours, and we've done nothing. How it's supposed to help us find a job, i *don't* know... atleast at home i can browse the Net and fire off CVs and/or do application forms in comfort with music and coffee close at hand, and i can sit and read or write code and *learn* stuff that's useful; I started learning Visual Basic the other week, but now it's on hold because it's so soul-destroying sitting in a room for 6 hours a day doing nothing that when i get home, i simply don't have the urge to study.

(I'm learning VB cos it might be useful rather than because I want to... it's not really a language that appeals, party cos it's M$, partly cos it's not really portable to other platforms than Windows, but mostly cos it's so dumbed-down...)

This friday I have a doctors appointment; I'm going to go back onto the ADs (and I don't want to do that, but I know the way things go well enough to know I *have* to do that... which feels like a step backwards by two-and-a-half years) and I'm gonna see about getting counselling sorted out with the NHS... and i'm going to try persuade the doctor that I need to be signed off sick.

It's pretty bad when you're having to actively concentrate on not throwing yourself under every vehicle that comes past you... and since I'm in the middle of Leeds on one of the main roadss for this government thingy, there's quite a lot of those, including buses and juggernauts and all sorts of other nice, big, squash-me-like-a-pancake vehicles! This past week has been horrifically hard work just to still be alive after it...

The depression thing is bad enough that my appetite is on holiday, so I'm having to actively concentrate on eating too... it's really quite hard to have to be thinking "I last ate yesterday evening, I should eat something or I'm gonna be getting into a bad state..." all the time... I mean, I got down to 9st6 (132lb/60kg) last week because I wasn't doing well with the tracking.

And I'm only just holding onto my concentration.... hence the oopsy with my weight... trying to focus on various aspects of staying alive, coupled with soul-detroying-days, sleeping 4 hours as a maximum every night, and often less than 2, and *fairly* often not sleeping at all.... coupled with despair and frustration about the job-less-ness and being so far from acheiving transition and being stuck in my parent's house, plus getting turned down for three jobs in a month.... it's just all blobbed together into a big old mess with me right in the middle of it.


i hate my life
( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )