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I hate this time of year...


So it's October again. yay

And the week around the anniversary of my sister's death is looking as though it's going to be total hell.

I have to try and get my hair re-dyed at some point around then, so it doesn't have chance to grow back out again... the best day would be the tuesday, the 14th, except that that *is* sister-died-today day, so i think i'll have to try and do it on a different day, probably saturday.

Tuesday, as I said, is The Day, so that'll be about as good as it usually is, possibly worse, since i'm actually going to be in Leeds for the first time since it happened. hell, i'm gonna be in this house. it's gonna be *so* fun. honestly. I'm not joking, there's no sarcasm... yeah, right

and then on the wednesday i have a job interview, so *that* will be fun... hence needing my hair to be all black again, rather then the crappy mixture of black with mousy roots it is now.

and it's my dad's birthday on the 17th... and i doubt i'll remember to actually buy a card, cos i'm really bad at that... mainly due to the 14th and it's associated fuck-me-up-big-time effect

and of course i have to go see the New Deal person every week, so that's the middle of friday fucked up too

and i'm not even going *in* to this shit on top of things.

lets face it, right now i'm falling apart. i can barely stop myself from just curling up under my duvet, crying my eyes out and waiting to see if my parents even notice that i've died.

of course, this leads to the lovely situation of having a playlist that *was* about 1450 tracks now being a grand total of 47 that I will actually play....

46 tracks in playlist.
Playlist length: 3 hours 39 minutes 48 seconds

Playlist files:

1. Angel Sanctuary - Cries in the Dark (3:59)
2. Angel Sanctuary - Sanctus (4:37)
3. Annie Lennox - Love Song For A Vampire (4:20)
4. Ari Hest - Hallelujah (6:39)
5. Barber - Adagio For Strings (7:49)
6. Bauhaus - The Dog's A Vapour. (6:44)
7. Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain (4:32)
8. Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart (5:28)
9. Bruce Springsteen - Streets Of Philadelphia (3:16)
10. Chris Rea - Tell Me There's a Heaven (6:02)
11. Cindy Lauper - Time After Time (4:01)
12. Cranberries - Zombie (5:05)
13. Dead Can Dance - Chant Of The Paladin (3:45)
14. Dead Can Dance - Ocean (3:17)
15. Dixie Chicks - A Home (4:56)
16. Dixie Chicks - Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) (4:42)
17. Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (3:58)
18. Evanescence - Hello (3:40)
19. Evanescence - My Immortal (4:24)
20. Eve6 - Here's To The Night (4:09)
21. Garbage - You Look So Fine (5:22)
22. Incubus - Drive (3:52)
23. Incubus - Echo (3:36)
24. Jo Davidson - Fragile Tough Girl (3:42)
25. Leonard Cohen - Everybody Knows (5:38)
26. London After Midnight - Shatter (acoustic live In Germany) (5:13)
27. Manic Street Preachers - The Theme From M*A*S*H (Suicide is Painless) (3:43)
28. Marilyn Manson - Suicide is Painless (3:45)
29. Natalie Merchant - Red Rain (4:37)
30. Nine Inch Nails - Hurt (6:14)
31. Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have (5:54)
32. Pete Yorn - Farmer vs. River (3:17)
33. Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down (5:26)
34. Placebo - Every You, Every Me (live) (4:43)
35. Radiohead - Creep (3:56)
36. Shakespeare's Sister - Stay (3:50)
37. Shawn Colvin - Never Saw Blue Like That (4:39)
38. Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm (3:15)
39. Staind - Outside (4:49)
40. Switchblade Symphony - Anmorata (6:39)
41. Switchblade Symphony - Monsters (2:01)
42. The Danse Society - The Theme (New Version) (9:49)
43. The Juliana Theory - Speechless (1:42)
44. The Juliana Theory - You Always Say Goodnight, Goodnight (9:30)
45. The Sundays - Wild Horses (4:45)
46. Verve Pipe - The Freshman (4:28)

If i'm still alive after this it'll be a bloody miracle.

Damnit, expecting me to go out into the real world around the 14th of october is just sadistic. there are far too many things out there that'll kill you as soon as look at 'em...

And just how the *fuck* am i supposed to pull of enthusiastic, well-rounded, you're-a-lovely-future-employee-and-we'd-like-to-give-you-the-job-ness when I want to curl up and die?