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Aisling, please read....

[EDIT: Please read all of this; my brain isn't really working , so it's not exactly come out too well. A Pulitzer will NOT be forthcoming for the quality of *this* writing. ]

OK, this is probably an odd way to do this, but it's the best one I can come up with.

Basically I wanted to say some stuff without the world being able to look in and see... so this is locked down to a friend-group with only you in it... I figure that's the only way to do user-level security in LJ...

damn, it's bringing out the geek in me already. <sigh>

So, why try and 'talk' to you privately? Why not just shout it out in the LJ I suspect that only about 3 people on the planet read..?

Mainly just-in-case that suspicion *is* wrong. When we get right down to it, I'm kinda shy, and I hate the idea of people reading something I've written that has a specific audience in mind. My normal LJ entries, I don't care who reads them. And if they're laughing, well <shrug> I don't really care.

Firstly I wanted to say a big 'thank you' for your recent comments in here. They mean a *lot* to me.

And they gave me a starting point to think from; you may have spotted some of that thinking, it kinda came out as an LJ comment...

Secondly, I guess, hmmm, I guess I don't have a clue how to write this. Great. My brain just went on holiday and didnt leave contact details!

Looks like i better try and get along without it....

I guess I'll have to try typing whats floating around my head....

I read your LJ regularly, and atm, it's one of the (very) few that I *am* reading... I'm down to 5 that i actually bother with. There's a friend of mine that I've known for a very long time (were at school together, ex-girlfriend, etc), there's Sarah, not that she's posting anything atm that I *can* read, there's Ambyguity, who I used to chat to alot on AIM, but who I haven't spoken to in a while as she always seems to be Away when i'm online, there's Becca who I also used to chat with occassionally, and there's yours.

And I have no idea why really, beyond seeing someone in those entries who lived in a situation that i was living in when i started reading it, and who keeps writing things that strike chords deeply in me. A bubbly sorrowful pagan-girl.

Oh, that's a scant-summary-type-thingy, rather than a rounded opinion on your character, and I don't mean it to be insulting... it's 25 to 1 in the morning, i'm in quite a lot of pain and i'm tired and my head is not entirely functioning; to be honest, i'm amazed i'm managing to type things that look like words and sentences; descriptions of people that fully encompass their LJ-persona are a world away from my current capabilities, so please accept any apologies necessary for that.

Hmmm... i think it's becoming obvious that i'm wallowing in my own inability to what i wanted to say down in writing :-(

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish in a lot of ways that I had an opportunity to get to know you IRL rather than in LJ-entries.

And Goddess-knows, I realise that that has all *sorts* of creepy overtones <shudder>

OK, for the record, and before there are any wrong ideas getting well-and-truly lodged in-place, that wasn't supposed to be in anyway creepy or freaky-outy. It's crap english rather than evil intentions.

Oh I'm doing *such* a bad job of expressing myself in *this* entry... you can see another reason for not wanting this public... it's l'anglais horrible. Hmph, my *french* is probably better than this, and that's not been used for 10 years...

To explain (hopefully) what I meant; I'm currently lying on the bed that I spend most of my life lying on. I'm typing on the laptop I spend most of my waking hours doing one thing or another on, be it code, graphics, webpages, LJ or instant messaging. I'm sitting in the house that I've lived in since I was three years old, in the room that I've had for all of that time, with quite a lot of stuff in it that isn't mine. My collection of computers is next door, in my sister's bedroom. Or atleast it used to be her bedroom. I still expect to get up one morning and for her to be downstairs watching TV or something. I live in the large village/small town where there are a lot of people who know me, or atleast recognise me from school, who I don't know. I haven't spoken to someone who is a *friend* around here for a few months. Everyday I try to keep my mind busy, keep it away from thinking Bad Thoughts. But that's hard, when someone you count as one of your best friends is so busy in her life and her girlfriend and the rest of her friends and her job that she doesn't even always respond to your text messages. Of the very few friends I had at school, there's only really one of them that I still have any contact with, and I've been so *abysmal* at keeping in touch with her that I don't *deserve* her friendship. The few other friends either dissappeared when they went of to Uni without a trace, or just lost touch and became very distant.

On the average day, I'll talk to my parents, and that's *it*.

Online I'll probably talk to one or two people.

I'm lonely. As much as I'd *love* to pretend that I just like solitude, I'm not *that* solitary... sure I like my own company sometimes, but day-in, day-out? it wears very thin very quickly.

I think this is why I haven't written many LJ entries recently; there's simply nothing of any worth to say. All I'll have done is wake up, get up, dressed, etc and then geeked, read, maybe watched tv, crawled around the web and chatted online if i'm lucky. That's my life, well, that and the soul-destroying Job Search that I try to forget about when I'm not actively involved in it.

So I thought I'd do something strange.

I think because of that entry you made about feeling lonely.

Because I understand loneliness a little too well.

I can't make any comment about living with an alcoholic, or even just someone who drinks too much.

I *can* make a comment about how I spent a month or more just after I got back to Uni after my sister died trying to stay as non-sober as possible. Because sobriety meant I was capable of thinking, and every thought tore another piece of me away and pored acid in the wound. And being smashed, somehow seemed better. I can also say that I realised what was going on, and where I was headed... in a more lucid bit... and I stopped drinking... I even managed to get through the year, somehow. If I hadn't stopped when I did, I don't know what would have happened. I certainly wouldn't have passed that year of Uni. I also may not have so many suicide-attempts to look back on... but I really can't say, because I did. But none of that is actually any *use* to anyone, because that's my experience in a fairly screwed up situation, and was what I leapt into as a coping mechanism, even if it was one of the worst possible ones to choose...

<sigh> And now I'm feeling useless again, because i'm sure that that's absolutely no use to anyone, and since you're the only one here, it really was pointless to write.

damnit, damnit, damnit.

OK, I'm gonna go. I'm going to post this, which is against my better judgement right now. Why? Probably because I'm stupid or something similar. I don't know, perhaps on the offchance that somehow you'll know what it was I was *trying* to say....

Not a lot of hope of that being the case..... I'm expecting to either get ignored or flamed for this though, and either way, dropped from your friends list.

Why oh *why* is my language so poor when I have something specific to say?