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Beyond Alone

What *is* the word that describes the state-of-mind where you feel as though you've gone beyond alone, and are now being pro-actively ignored?

Whatever it's called, it's what I'm in atm...

I posted some time about no-one ever being on-line when I am, well this is worse... people *are* online, a few, but still there's no-one to talk to.

Had a really crap conversation earlier. Didn't go well at *all*. It's fairly clear to me now that I really should stop hoping anything is going to come out of me and sarah. It's, hmm, probably a month since we last spoke, except for the, oh, 10 lines of "conversation" earlier today. Pah! *conversation*..? it was something like "hi, hi, how r u? fine. good - how r u? fine. good." That was *it*. I think this time that whatever it is that's meant that she's been coming online for like, 5 seconds, then changing user-ID and doing the same and then being gone... whatever the reason behind it, it's terminal. L'amour est mort, c'est fini.

The bit that i *think* has pushed me into the 'beyond alone' state is that I just had to restart my PC... I'd only had MSN up before I rebooted, and the machine locked up. Anyhow, restart ensued and a log-on, which takes a while on my 650mhz box-without-enough-ram-really-to-do-all-i-make-it-do... and of course, all the Instant Messenger programs... AIM, ICQ, MSN and Y!M start up at the same time, along with way too much other junk.. MySQL, VirusScan, a batchfile to do this, one to do that, one to make backups of the outlook express datastore so if OE crashes it doesn't eat my old messages or the folder structure (cos i've had both happen), etc. As *soon* as AIM was up, I get the DoorShutting sound of someone logging off and it's 'bye bye sarah'...

Another question... why am I always the one that ends up starting conversations with the people on my friends lists?

My guess would be that no-one can actually stand me, but they're too polite to say, so they hope I'll; keep quiet.


Damnit. I think i've dropped back into depression.

Role on suicide. Get me the fuck *out* of this mess.


( 3 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
6th Sep, 2003 15:35 (UTC)
It means nothing, I know, But I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you these past three years.

..I love you and will always love you. But I cannot be with you, despite my love.

I hope that one day, If you decide to live and stay here on this earth, As you know your goddess wishes you to, That you shall find a lasting happiness.

I was not it, and for that, I am saddened.

7th Sep, 2003 12:06 (UTC)
i can't even put into words what i'm trying to say here. i can't get my head around expressing it. you love me so much that you don't even want to *try*. i guess that's the part it boils down to. but as you wish. you don't want to be what makes me happy, so i guess that's the end.

never mind whether i might be in love with you. never mind that running through my head most of those torturous hours when i'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep, the constant string of thought is you.

never mind.

i wish you well sarah. i hope you find whatever it is you want from this world. it kills me that i failed to be it.

walk with the goddess always.

6th Sep, 2003 22:13 (UTC)
None of that suicide stuff!! You're far too cared for by loads of us. It would piss the fuck out of me and I'd have to bother you for the rest of your afterlife. :)
( 3 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )