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Humph.. well, the subject says it I guess... I mean, I *know* it's 1:40 or something like that in the morning, and I know it's entirely unreasonable to expect anyone in this country to be online, but still...

Sarah isn't around, and for the first time in a long time, talking to her a couple of nights ago didn't get stressy or edgy or anything... it just kinda flowed, even though I was in a horrid mental-place and stuff. I still haven't a clue what on earth is between us, whether it's friendship, a relationship, whether, if it is the latter, it stands any chance of surviving or if it will actually function in the Big Bad... but it did feel right again. And I always have loved that feeling... I don't think there's anyone else I can sit and chat in an IM and feel like i'm almost sitting and cuddling in real life...

I want to talk to ellie... I hate that things got so distant and abstract between us. We rarely talk, email is not good as there always seems to be a major delay, and i don't do irc... ytalk across chiark is about the closest thing we get to a conversation these days and that is rare as I hardly ever manage to get on there when she's either not 4 hours idle or when she's logged in from work... and i won't ytalk her at work for obvious reasons... i will occassionally write something to her, but that's about it.. and it's usually of the short 'boo' variety.

Hannah is at home in portland and she's *very* unhappy about it... she's unhappy enough that she was actually willing to talk about it in IM and we didn't need to have a fight before hand for her to want to... I don't like that she's there, i *really* don't like that she has to spend time alone with her dad... i'm not sure its safe... i'm not sure he'd not gonna loose it and do damage...

Stephi is almost impossible to talk to these days... or rather she's almost impossible to get hold of, and therefore conversation is inherently difficult... the last time I saw her online was back before I moved back here, so thats, um, over 3 months.... probably nearer 4 or 5... I miss her :-( And i always feel like contacting her and organising to do stuff is poaching her away from her friends or Sarah-Jane... and I don't like to do that... I don't think i'm important enough to do that.

I'd actually *like* to talk to emily. it's been a *very* long time since we spoke for more than a couple of minutes and the last time it was just long enough a conversation for me to want to see about maybe getting to know her a bit over again.

Aly my surrogate-trans-mummy hasn't been on for a while that I've seen... I must try and be online on monday and see if she works from home again...

And Becca isn't on must either :-( i keep feeling like i've managed to make her think i'm too odd or something... i'm not as odd as i might have seemed in the last conversation we had...i was just tired and my head does weird things to my sense of humour when i'm tired...it goes beyond weird and twisted into seriously un-funnily strange and bizarre :-(

And AIM is being weird on me, so i can log in but i can't send IMs... dumb or what... so although Ambyguity is online, or atleast i think she is, i can't talk to her... :-(


guess i'll go to bed -sigh-