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I said in my last entry that I'd around to posting something about spending time dressed 'girl' soon... well, here it is... separate from that because there is a *LOT* I wanna write.

If you're not interested in this stuff, if transgenderism is something you find morally wrong or physically reviling or just plain don't wanna read about, I'd *HIGHLY* suggest you go somewhere else....

Everyone who's doesn't want to be here gone yet..?

OK, so where was I...?

Oh yes, dressing and stuff....

BTW, this is gonna get serious in a bit...

Anyway, the nice thing about staying with a friend who knows Jo and doesn't object to her, is that Jo gets to come out and play :-)

So she did.

For most of the time.

There are a few friends that I met up with that *don't* know about me, so I dressed boi for those meetings, but most of the time I got to come out of my shell :-)

I also spent a fair bit (way more than I should've) on nice new clothes... I'm starting to look at getting a more balanced wardrobe... Gothish stuff is all well and good and *damn* nice, but it's not exactly everyday wear... If I'm gonna look into trying to 'pass' 24/7, I need stuff to do normal things in... Anyway, I spent about 150 quid, Which went on:

The Vestry
  • Long black A-line skirt
  • *Very* short plaid skirt, a la schoolgirl-look, which on me looks even *shorter*...
Dorothy Perkins
  • Black trousers
  • Lilac blouse with elbow-length, tied ended sleeves
New Look
  • White half-length sleeved blouse with fold back cuffs
  • Short light blue denim pleated skirt
  • "Bad Alice" black top
  • Black T shirt
  • White T shirt
Some shop I can't remember the name of...
  • Black tie-neck t shirt
  • Black tie-neck sleeveless top

Course, if I'd *had* it, I'd've spent more.... and I *really* need more shoes... found a few nice pairs on tall-small.com that I'd *love* to get... if I order them online in one batch, they'd be about 150 quid for 6 pairs... postage is 5quid for the first pair and 3 for every additional one... so if I break that up into more affordable bits, it gets more expensive. They *do* have IRL shops though, which'd save me 20quid on the postage... and there's one in Leeds, one in the WhiteRose near by, one in Meadowhall nr Sheffield... not too bad really... So that's the plan... And I would *love* a nice summer dress too... light white cotton, probably floral print cos they don't seem to make them in plain white cotton...

So that's the shopping I did and want to do....

I've spent a lot of time thinking while I've been away. Trying to work out where I'm going with stuff. How far I want to go and how far I''m willing to go. Basically I'm trying to decide whether I'm up to taking this as far as I *want* to.

So this is where I'm at.

OK, the *dream* would be to wake up one day and be fully 100% genetically female. As I said, it's a dream, it's impossible, I am *painfully* aware of that. If dreams *do* come true, if you can wish on a star, if Tinkerbell is out there and feels like using a *ton* of fairy dust on me, then *that* is what I'd ask for. Beyond that, it remains simply as a dream.

So, dreams aside, what is *realistic*?

If I'm being 100% honest, then I would have to say that the idea of surgery is *very* scary.

I would also have to say that scary or not, it's what I *want*.

I don't like being genitally male. I *really* don't like having that horrible lump of flesh tacked on and getting in the way. Somedays, even now when I'm on top of my depression, I really do consider just chopping it off... Except I won't. Because to get what I *want*, it's necessary to have that lump of flesh as raw materials... That dislike has been around for a *very* long time... we're talking easily ten years... since puberty kicked in anyway. Hormones don't get rid of it. They do a lot, but not that. Only Sexual Reallignment Surgery (SRS, aka GRS, Gender Reallignment Surgery) is gonna do that.... that's where the raw materials get used up.

I don't like my voice and I don't like having an Adam's Apple either... And those are NOT gonna be fixed by SRS or hormones or anything like that. The voice can usually be trained into coming from a different part of the voice-box, and so loose a lot of low resonance, not going falsetto, but sort-of switching back to the voice-generation that was used before the voice broke... but that leaves the Adam's Apple in place. The only way to get rid of *that* is surgical.

So basically, one of the things that scares me most because of what happened with my sister. Admitedly, her surgery was *entirely* different, involving fun things like stopping her heart and putting her on a heart-and-lung machine, but it still holds a lot of fear for me. Couple that to a few horror stories I've heard regarding SRS done badly, and to the fact that one piece of surgery I'm looking at involves my voice, which, while not particularly something I like, is something I don't want to *loose*, just change.

I'm rational enough to realise that being scared of the surgery is not adviseable when I go under the knife. Recovery is tied to the attitude of the patient. So I want to be sure about any surgeon I let loose on me. I'm not letting some butcher fuck me up. If I don't feel confident and have total trust in the team involved, then I won't go through with it. On the opposite side, if I trust these people, alot of the fear is countermanded by that trust.

All surgery carries risk. I know this. Probably far better than most people out there.

Trust and confidence in the team involved is enough to get me over being nervous about butcher jobs. I'm not gonna just through a dart at a list of names and go for the one it hits. I'm not playing with my life like that. When I've chosen someone, it will be because I *do* feel happy about them being involved.

So that leaves me looking into SRS and throat surgery.

Obviously the throat surgery there are no alternate approachs. It's "simply" a case of doing the job and letting it heal.

SRS however is a different story. A *very* different story.

What follows is the system as I understand it atm.

To start with, you must live atleast a year as a woman and you must be 'on the books' of a psychiatrist regarding your transgenderism for that period. This is the time when you start on a hormone replacement regime.

After a year, your eligible for the surgery. There are two options, National Health or Private. I'm loathe to use the NHS for a number of reasons. Firstly it's already overburdened and doesn't need me adding an SRS to it, which, while not really that major on its own, does use resources, etc that would be better put serving someone who is actually *ill*. And secondly, the waiting lists... cos I bet the waiting period for SRS is *long*.

So that makes that choice easy, and means that I have to find the money to fund the surgery before I can do it. I've not (yet) found out how much that is, but it's on my list of 'need to knows'...

After that it's a case of waiting, having the surgery, doing the aftercare and hoping its successful. Things can and do go wrong with this. It's not guaranteed to come out right.

Sounds straight forward really. Except I tend to have an aversion to putting chemicals in me that I don't need. Antihystamines I take for hayfever because I need them. At the moment I'm taking Ibuprofen as I can buy it over the counter as an anti-inflamatory and pain relief med for my new piercing. And I drink lemsips when i've got a cold to clear my head a bit and ease my sore throat. And of course, I do realise that antideressants are necessary evils sometimes, but I don't use them unless it's *bad*.

So HRT for a *very* long time using synthetics? Not my idea of a good thing.

I know there are some naturopathy practitioners, I konw of one specifically in the US, who has extensive knowledge of Herbal Feminisation, both solely using herbs and as a 'balance' to a synthetic regime. I would *like* to be able to talk to a doctor and not have them turn around and say "herbs are no good," because I *want* to use them if I can, and I would *like* to be able to *just* use them. I'd rather not be stuffing down the synthetics when Mother Nature can help me in a far less detrimental manner.

In the US, herbal therapies are not accepted as the 'year before' for SRS. Herbal regimes can even act as a block to entering a "standard" medical program... IOW, if you're on herbs, you can't get SRS. I don't know yet if that is the same in the UK. I *hope* not, but we'll see.

Anyway... this is more a freeze-frame on what i'm thinking right now, so i'm gonna leave it at that.

Editted to correct formatting problems, 7th April, 2002 (02h10)


( 7 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
6th Apr, 2003 16:42 (UTC)
Its Nice To Know Things Come Before Me.

I Feel Loved.
6th Apr, 2003 17:59 (UTC)
OK, so I should shelve any thoughts of being happy, content and comfortable within my own body?

I should continue to *hate* how I am?

I should go thought live with the desire to pick up a knife and remove a section of anatomy popping up on a fairly regular basis?

I have to make a decision about how far I am going with this. I have to work out whether SRS is something I am going to do or whether I would be happy stopping at simply doing the hormonal therapies and living with that.

So far as I can work out, the hormonal therapies for pre-SRS are different to those for non-STS transformations. That means that if I don't want to jeopardise my ablity to embark on SRS, I need to *KNOW* *WHERE* *I'M* *GOING*.

If you do not wish to support me in this, I understand. But that is your decision. Just like the decision whether to aim for SRS is my decision and my decision alone.
6th Apr, 2003 16:59 (UTC)
I had a friend who was on the hormones.. I wish I knew how the result went other to say that she did develop small but there breasts..facial hair disappeared..

But this person had many problems unrealted to being trans.

If I can find anyone in my area for you to speak to..I will get you in contact with them..since I do live in an area where it is very accepted to be tran.

6th Apr, 2003 17:53 (UTC)
Thank you!!! *^_^*

I hope you have a nice time when you'er over in this silly little ole country of mine :-)

(Deleted comment)
7th Apr, 2003 09:12 (UTC)
Thank you hunny *^_^*

(Deleted comment)
( 7 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )