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14th Mar, 2003

I hate feeling like this.

Yeah, recurring theme, I know... shut the fuck up, yeah, *whatever*. Do I *look* like i'm going to?

Well, maybe... not quite yet, but possibly soon.

This place is not good for me. The place feels *wrong*. Nothing I can define about it beyond that.

Maybe it's just too much has happened here or that it's too resonant with my sister. Maybe i've grown beyond it and squeezing myself back into it is not possible. I don't know. It just feels wrong.

But it's more than that. I feel so terribly isolated. The few friends I hate here (and that's a *very* small number), i can't get hold of... actually, no, I don't think I can really call Claire a friend anymore, I've been far too lax with it to justify calling it a friendship now... that wouldn't be fair to her. So that would mean, the one friend I have here, the one person that I don't see because of something else, I can't get hold of. So that's always nice... my best friend is unavailable to speak with me. yay.

Almost no-one in bristol seems particularly bothered that i'm not there. Hannah is a bit upset, but that's about it. *that* friendship is doing surprisingly well these days, but i think alot of that is convenience and familiarity. And i occassionally come in useful as a proof-reader.

Hmm.. who else?

Well sarah i don't get to talk to for a month, during which time she's fairly sure to realise that she can manage perfectly well without me in her life as some ethereal presence across thousands of miles.

And Ellie has a life and friends stuff and really hasn't any reason whatsoever to need or even want to continue knowing me.

Then there's my LJ friend list. Most of the people on which I don't know and have never spoken to. Sarah has two entries, ellie's in there too... there's only really Ambyguity, Becca and Sadira who I've spoken to. I'm no longer on Sadira's list (i don't think, that ones always been a bit weird), Ambyguity is lovely, but also has friends and a life and is a busy-bee with that and final semester. Emily I think I've had two conversations, maybe three, with in an IM in the past, oh year or more.... And finally Becca... started out ok, I has a good feeling about talking to her... except i've not heard anything for weeks. And while I appreciate that she's also a busy-bee, I think even the most avid of doctors would call it after a fortnight.......

Wow. It's amazing how quickly I can do that. Friends. So many to choose from... where *do* i start... oh, i started and i finished within five short paragraphs.