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This is not going well.

I didn't get up good this morning...

Today is a confusing mess... it's a blur... I can't tell you what happened when.

I know I asked her if she'd read it... she had, all of it... apparently she isn't "ignoring [me], [she] just doesn't know what to do now", and she was going out and I was still in bed... so no talk time there...

She's still talking to me, sort of... mundane stuff... do I want a drink and she's just gonna put some laundry in the airing cupboard.

Hasn't said anything about it since.

I can't handle this.

I spent the last, I don't know how many hours, on the verge of tears.

I can't handle it.

I'm going to get through tomorrow... somehow I'll get through christmas... since it's something that is supposed to be important to them, I'll do that... go to Sheffield, go to my Aunts for christmas dinner... eat and stuff... sleep at my Gran's tomorrow night, but I'm out of here on thursday.

I can't handle it. I can't stay here and stress over this. I'm sat here. She's sat ten feet away, downstairs. It doesn't take a genius to figure that she can come and talk to me... she did the other day before this came up... came and sorted some photo-albums out and moaned about how much of a mess her workplace is right now with some stupid out-of-hand disciplinary thing. Why can't she do that now?

I'm not prepared to put myself through this any more. I've spent three days stressing over this, trying to find a good time, trying to get stuff ready, stuff written out, stuff sorted out in my head so I can be rational and responsive when I get asked things.

Tomorrow will be hell.

Todays was bad enough... I sat there eating my dinner and my stomach was churning so bad, I couldn't eat anymore. I was hungry, still am, but the idea of food makes me want to be ill.

It's coming apart at the seams.

Add to that the fact that I was hoping to see some friends while I was up, that one was supposed to email me and let me know what was going on, and the other I can't even get *hold* of and I'm worrying about her...

Happy holidays? Crappy holidays right now.




( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )
(Deleted comment)
24th Dec, 2002 22:06 (UTC)

It's a lovely idea.... with a few problems... In 2 hours, my parents'll be up... and in maybe an hour after that, we'll be on our way to relatives... and after that, it'll be relative all the time till I go back to Bristol....

I can't stay in Leeds any later then Friday am, I have to get back to sort things out for my job interview... need to get back to sort out the DfWE paying travel expenses for a start.

And I know there's a ring of 'cop out' about that... but I've been out of work now for 13½ months. I'm soaking my parents' savings up and I *NEED* the job very much. It *has* to be top priority.

And I'm back up here for the interview anyway, so I'll organise to come up the weekend before and go a day or two later... try sort out time for us to talk then if we don't before.
( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )