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Well... not posted much recently... too much in my head to get out... to many contradictory thoughts spinning around and throwing my vaguelly balanced mental state into flux.

I guess I've come to realise a few things of late...

The first is that my problems right now are really quite insignificant in the face of the stuff going on out there... I'm not saying their not important, to me... and the people who care about me i guess too, but in the scope of the world, they're just background noise.

The second is that Sarah and I are likely to get more complicated before we get less. There's too many things happening too quickly in there, and too many things that should be talked about that are gone before we have the chance.

The third is that the transgender 'thing' isn't gonna go away. It's too big a part of me for that. The way I act, the way my emotions work, the way I think and react are all tied into it, because it's a core part of who and what I am. I'm happier in many ways now than I've been in a very long time. Some of that (a large proportion) is due to my relationship with Sarah... stuff is, for the most part, going well there. But a significant part of that accountable happiness is due to letting go of a lot of repression... I've been squashing the trans side of me for a *long* time. Hell, I joined a couple of school sports teams because I wanted to be 'one of the guys'... and there are enough people who decided I was gay and told me... usually spitefully... which I think *could* be picking up on it too... <shrug>...

I can't do with squashing it anymore... and I seriously doubt whether I could now anyway... the cat is out of the bag, so to speak... and we *know* how much kittys hate going in bags now, don't we ;-)

If people can't deal with it, well tough. It's me... or part of me anyway... if you liked me before you knew about it, well, my persona has never exactly been masculine, manly or butch, so i don't see how it's really changed, except maybe that i'm a little more confident about myself now...

I *like* me more now. People keep telling me that I should learn to be happier with myself, that if I 'learn to love myself, things will be easier'. Well how was I supposed to love myself if a large part of myself wasn't actively *there*? Self-esteem requires self... and the self I was being told to get esteem about was only a fraction of the self that's actually there. If I'm gonna love my self, shouldn't it be the whole self and nothing but the self?? (sorry, slightly crappy line, I know... but it fits...)


Oh well, that's my thoughts for now...

btw... I'm going back to my parents for xmas... going on friday (20th) and will be back *v* early saturday week (28th)... and will be spending the mid part of xmas week at my gran's, so I'll not have Net access, um, tuesday or wednesday (can't remember which) to friday.

And now I have someone telling me how to diet... i know *exactly* what I'm doing... and this person feels they know better. Trying to tell me that I can loose 3 pounds in a week safely when my overall calorie count for a day would have to be getting down towards a thousand (it's gonna be around 1150 or so)... and I'm not prepared to go that low... it's about half of my 'maintain your current weight' calorie count... 1500ish is the amount to loose 2 pounds a week... I'll stick with working on that... I might manage to get down to 10st13 (um, 153lb/69.5kg)... I'm only 2 above that now... and I have a week... I'd just have liked to be 10s12 by christmas, cos you *know* i'm gonna gain some... my aunty tends to over-cater... to military proportions of food....

Well, I g2g... rants and thoughts are all done now...!



( 5 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
(Deleted comment)
18th Dec, 2002 14:00 (UTC)
i could probably do the first of those... the second ain't working right now.......
(Deleted comment)
18th Dec, 2002 14:17 (UTC)
I know.. in both ways, I know...

Doesn't help that I'm now having a down-on-me day....
(Deleted comment)
18th Dec, 2002 14:25 (UTC)

Well if I wasn't awake before, I sure am now! ;-)

I'm thinking of curling myselfup in my duvet and crying myself to sleep right now.......
(Deleted comment)
18th Dec, 2002 14:40 (UTC)
Melodrama time....
Crying is about the only thing I really feel *up* to right now... That and listening to Hallelujah... which is now on repeat.

Seeing a way out of the mess that I'm steadily managing to wrap around me is, *way* out of grasp.

I know stuff.. and I can see where that stuff is gonna lead.. and it's gonna end up hurting people.. and its stuff that if i *try* to control, i probably could.. i'm in the process of destroying just about everything i can reach.. in search of me.

I'm 25 and nearly 9 months old... I may as well be 25 weeks for the amount of *ME* that I actually *know* right now... atleast that's how it feels.

'New-me' may be a superset of 'old-me', but it's a *vastly* larger superset... and i've barely even glimpsed beyong the boundaries of the old yet.
18th Dec, 2002 14:41 (UTC)
BTW... thanx for the kitty-offer :-)
18th Dec, 2002 09:48 (UTC)
Jesus boy, you only weigh 3lbs more than I do, and you're a hell of a lot taller. And I think I'm damned near perfect in size now :-) No way do you want to be trying to lose weight as fast as 3lbs a week at the moment! Though 3lbs in one week wouldn't be a problem per se you just wouldn't expect that as an average.

As for accepting yourself as you are, all of you, you know I'll always be happy to do that whatever it is. Whether transvestite, transgender, bisexual, asexual, whatever. You're still a lovely person no matter what. So ner.

And you have my new mobile number if you fancy a pint in Leeds some time, though I'm not sure whether we'll be there from Sunday or Monday, and only staying til Friday morning or so.

18th Dec, 2002 14:09 (UTC)
I have a plan... it's not quite as insane as it sounds... and I'm not aiming to drop 3... just 2... although it doesn't sound like a major difference.... my orignal intention was to be 10st12 by xmas.

That way when i do the seasonal spike, i'm only gonna (hopefully) go upto around 11st/11st2... which, I suppose is still doable, but I'll get hassle from family about not eating enough...

Then I'm gonna run with 1500cals/day for a couple of weeks to make sure that weight is coming off at the predicted rate... that way I know that that side of things is working...

After those few weeks, I then start to exercise... in a muscle building way... so I'll be putting weight back *on*, but it'll be muscle mass not fat bulk. Basic aim is probably to end up hovering between 10st6 and 10st8... with a slightly more active approach to live than I currently have.

This isn't *just* about dieting and loosing weight, I'm trying to make some positive changes to my lifestyle... bringing exercise back in and stuff. Hopefully having positive influences like that in my life will help to get some kind of positive mind-set going. I'm also kinda growing into a whole big space of personality that's been hiding for a long time... and this is tied up with that too... like most girls, I care what I look like, whereas boi-me doesn't care (as you probably know ;-)

As for a drink, that'd be nice... if we manage to coincide with timing... we don't seem to be good at that these days....
( 5 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )