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Can't be bothered eating... I'm too tired to want to cook... plus i hate how i look anyway, so fuck it. food is bad. i donn't want it no more. not for a while anyway. and yes, i *do* know that crashing is a bad thing to do. and yes i *do* know that this is a stupid thing to do. and yes, i probably know all the rest of the answers to the questions anyone out there wants to ask regarding this.

it's probably temporary.

i get days where i physically shudder if i see myself in a mirror.

today didn't start out as one of those.

it looks like it's ending like it though.

i'll probably get up in the morning and want a full fry up or something... i won't *have* one... not got the bits... won't even be able to have a bowl of meusli... no milk...

but right now i feel particularly hideous.

and no, not eating won't fix that.... self-esteem is very much about self-image... not *solely* about self-image, but a lot of it's tied up in that... my self-image sux... self-esteem is not something i'm particularly familiar with...

ok, so go back to my first year at uni... seven years ago i started that... i was 9 stone (126lb/57kg) when the year began, had about a 28 inch waist if my memeory is functioning.

went through a *serious* crap bit... my brush with the joys of not being able to remember anything through a fog of alcohol... and i barely ate... and after the month or so of ne'er-sobriety, i was broke... and i was too ashamed, or too scared of my father's reaction, to go asking for money. i got through that year on my loan, my grant and my overdraft, and the parental contribution my dad calculated out.. which basically meant i get the amount of money the government said i shuold need to live on... so i ate nothing... well, nearly anyway... eggs, bread and coffee... and that's pretty much it... i had fried eggs or omlettes... and toast.. lots of toast. the coffee i could do cos i used to get my mum to get my a *huge* tin of Nescafe at the start of each term.

At the end of my first year i was down to about 8stone5 (117lb/53kg), and i don't know what my waist was, but i guess it was less than when the year started, probably 27-27 1/2 inches...

<this is the bit where the more alert and knowledgeable might be able to figure some stuff out....>

I *miss* that... not the weights... i'm aware enough of stuff these days to know i was on fairly dangerous ground being that underweight (i'm 5'11" when i'm properly rested and my spine isn't compressed... i can get down to 5'9"ish sometimes...)... if you really wanted to, i'm sure you could plug the figures into a weight-range calculator and see i'm *way* under the line for underweight...

No, what i miss is that figure... i mean, come *on*... a twenty-*eight* inch waist? what girl wouldn't kill to have 28 inch waist? oh, it works better when you figure i have (currently) a 31 inch waist and 38 inch hips.... i figure that if i got back down to a 28inch waist, i'd probably be 34-36 inch hips... and that's starting to sound quite good.... 34-28-whatever.... <cough> course, the whatever isn't there... i may be down on my self atm, but i'm not fuckin *stupid*... genetically that's less than exactly standard..... but i have plans... they need money, but i have plans... (and no, to someone if she's reading this, that doesn't mean surgery or anything else that's permanent... we're talking *sensible* plans, plus i *promised*, remember?)

*shit*... it's like, 11:30 gone.. and i'm *really* tired. I'm gonna go to bed and try to sleep with my head half insane with random screwy-think.