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Well, I didn't write this yesterday cos I was a *little* fucked up. This entry pretty much describes yesterday though.

Started crappily.... was late getting up, so was late getting into town to go sign on at the Job Centre. Was an hour late :-( When I finally got there and got to go sign, I got told I didn't have to cos I had this stupid reivew interview that afternoon (which I *did* know about..)... No-one had told me not to go and sign on that morning though.... so I wasted fuel and parking money that I didn't need to be wasting, and for absolutely nothing. grrrrr!

So, then I get home, and the postman's left me stuff... a mobile phone bill (not *too* bad), and a letter from the Bank... not a good letter either... a "we couldn't pay your Standning Order for £525 to the Letting Agency cos you have insufficient funds. We are going to charge you £30" letter.

So I use telephone banking to check my balance... £1315.xx pence OVERDRAWN.... so I'm like *fuck*... now, this is a student bank account, so it's used to being in the red... actually, now i's a graduate account, and it's breaking some of the rules for that, like it's over a year since i graduated and i should only be allowed £1000 O/D... but still... my limit is £1300 O/D.... so i get a ministatement thingy... the money my father gives me for my rent is still clearing... there was a little fuck-up and the transfer was started late. So I talk to the bank people... have to get them to re-try the Standing Order. Then have to talk to the Letting people and let them know it's gonna be a few days late... finally sorted that all out after about 40 minutes... running my *next* house phone bill up drastically....

So next I get a message from a friend of mine, which *might* get me some money... nice fairly easy computer stuff... so that was quite easy...

Now I find I can't find the fuckin' letter that tells me when and where this interview is... stress and hunt for it.. can't find it, so i have to phone the Job centre and ask... *more* phonebill.. :-(

So, back into Bristol....

Goddess, how I didn't end up in tears in that interview is beyond me... it was *hell*. I've been signing on for 6 months, so now the *bastard* government are gonna start making me go for jobs... *ANY* jobs... anything they think I can do... which includes mindless shit that'll end up with me back in Depression Central, probably signed off sick, and quite possibly committed... almost certainly with another suicide attempt against my name... as you might guess, i'm <sarc> *overjoyed*</sarc> at this possiblity... and the mindless, arogant, insensitive *fuckwit* that I had interviewing me just kept hammering on at "get a job!"... oh, and coincidentally, ripping me apart for having to live off my parents when the fucking government won't give me any benefit to live off... WTF else was I supposed to do???? Oh yeah, <sarc> get a *fuckin* job!!! </sarc>

So, I came out of there in a shit state.

Add to that the fact that it's 6 years and 11 months and 6 days since my sister died at that time...... and you get the picture of my mental shit at that point.... *one* more thing and i think i'd have gone and jumped off the fuckin footbridge over the motorway, aiming for the first lorry travelling at decent speed...

It *wrecked* me. I came out of those offices with my self-esteem, self-respect and dignity in tatters around my ankles...

Do they think i don't *want* to work? I mean, the guy's *best* comment, in response to my statememnt that i "don't want to do something mindless where I get time to think about the stuff that's happened in my life of late" was "everyone has a mundane job. but you get money at the end of it, so why care?"

I think i might care cos i don't really *want* to wake up in hospital again, not knowing where the fuck i am or why i'm there, or even if i'm still alive, or if death really is hospital ward.....

I *HATE* this.

I hate not having a job. I hate the fact that I'm now going to be pressured into taking something I don't want to do.

I hate that at probably the worst point in the year, the month upto and surrounging my sister's death, I have to deal with this extra shit.

It *sux*.

I wish I could get out.


oh, and angel, i *don't* mean like that... i just wish i wasn't in this situation... that one of these job apps i'm writing turns into a job.

Oh well, g2g