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To Sarah...

I told you, don't *ever* apologise for being you. I can't stand that you feel you nede to apologise for being the person who I'm in love with. It hurts.

I never said I didn't believe you love me, but I've been trying to give you space over the last week or so, time to think and figure out how you feel, and whether "us" is something that you actually want and need.

But I did get to start feeling that you were getting on perfectly well without me. Life seems to be bouncing along quite well for you atm, you don't need me in it dragging you down.

I am in love with you. It took me a long time to realise that, but I am... It took a long time to realise that all the feelings, the fact that I care about you and all that, that it didn't just add up to me liking you as a friend, or even like a sister or something... but i know i love you, and i know that if i could make you happy for the rest of your life, i would.

But I don't know if I can. I don't know if i'm enough, i don't even know if i'm enough of a start.

I have my problems, I have my crap that I drag around, and no matter what anyone says, it doesn't get much easier... things are going better since i had that break, my concentration is much more *there*... I can hold a thread of code from start to finish, i can see what a test step *should* do, and know what's wrong when it doesn't do it... and i'm even sort of sleeping... not being in this house for a while helped. being away from you, being off line and silent, that didn't help at all... for the first few days i was alright.. not *good*, but alright... and then i just started to drift more and more into missing you. my head's getting good at doing too things at once... parallel-tasking in CompSci-speak... I can now quite easily sit and daydream about being with you and still write stuff... although I may not have had net access, I did have a computer, and I could still do code on it, so I did... saved the boredom from becoming unbearble..

I've started reading again... i haven't read a book in 7 months or more... I read Vampyre, by John Polidori, and now I'm reading the rest of the short 'terror' stories in the volume I have. After that, I'm thinking either Dracula or The Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings, for about the 16th time.

I even got version 1.0 of my program up and running and released.

And I didn't pull the plug on Unified... she offerred my money for a job next sunday, didn't really give me chance to tell her to fuck it all before she offered... i swear she can tell when i'm gonna do that... and she always manages to have a trick when i am...

In case I haven't said it, Sarah, I love you. I will be with you the very first day I can.

And as i think i've probably said before, if we get through these times, if we get through and still want each other, then i don't think anything will stop us.

i miss you

your Jonathan


( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )
2nd Sep, 2002 08:41 (UTC)
I Love You.

Dont Forget It.

( 1 Morsel — Spin A Cobweb )