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Stupicide

So I just had a nice day... watched the grand prix at stupid o'clock, then drove to Skeggie with Hayley to pick up her absolutely *gorgoeus* new blizzard-gecko-cutie *^^* Nice drive, nice weather, lovely-qute-girly-friend-bod for company for lots of time; *nice*, no ***lovely*** and then we went to the pub with her housemates to celebrate stuff (no, *not* my bday, i am *not* celebrating that again until i don't feel like a total failure).

driving back here was *hard* work tho... not cos i'm drunk; promise, i'm sober... but cos all the way back, temptation is running around my head....

Just keep going; drive on; past that road, and straight on til morning.... you've more than enough fuel... reach the coast and just don't stop.... find an open clifftop and just drive on... today has been a *good* day.... today has been the nicest day i can remember for a long time... today is a *good* day on which to end this *existing*... today is *enough* because tomorrow it just goes back to how it always is and that is unbearable.

all the way... and its terribly tempting...

and now i'm back in this place, and its still there and i still want to... because there's nothing like your cell to reinforce the idea that any freedom is better than this.

Strands:

Comments

( 3 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
hellie79
30th Mar, 2009 15:49 (UTC)
*hugs* Hope you are feeling better today. I know how having a lovely time can make you feel crapper when you have to get back to reality, I have been feeling soooo miserable today with all my PhD crap and general inability to get my shit together following a lovely weekend. Make sure you arrange some more lovely times to give you something else to look forward to, that always helps me get through the crapper times. *more hugs* x
littlemissgoth
30th Mar, 2009 16:46 (UTC)
-hugs back-

not really... possibly worse actually... i need to fix my life somehow... i just don't know how... every time i try, it just seems to stagnate or backfire... definitely feeling overwhelmed and undercapable...

its not really working; i've got glasto to theoretically look forward to and it just isn't helping.

i can't really *afford* fun; pub yesterday was really a dumb idea; means i've taken 10 quid out of the bank that i'm pretty sure i don't have... and the job-less-ness-thing means it doesn't really get recharged by anything.

do i just give up on computing totally? i mean, its not like its getting me anywhere trying to stick with it.... hell, i'm not even sure now that i know anything *useful* (that my skill-set is just not suited to the Real World)... but whats left after that? i'm not qualified to do anything else, i have shit A level grades in only two subjects and my GCSEs aren't exactly stellar either (3 As, some Bs and some Cs; no A*s when I was at school). And I have a *huge* hole in my CV now... Oh, and i can't afford any courses or anything like that...

hellie79
1st Apr, 2009 13:33 (UTC)
Well, this is a cliche but, you have to take each day at a time. Some days just suck. On my really low days I just have to reassess what is an acheivement and sometimes just leaving the house for a walk is the best I can manage but on that day it really is something to be proud of. There are ways to have fun without spending money although I appreciate that sometimes that is hard, my funding has run out and I have to be pretty careful at the moment myself :-(

With regard to the job stuff, I am sure there are people who can give you advice on that and there are almost certainly courses you can do for free. I imagine more and more will be springing up at the moment with the current economic situation. Do you want to carry on with computing? Maybe you need to find out how you can build on the skills you do have to make yourself more employable?

( 3 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )