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Mentality

So my head is slipping off into oblivion once more...

The whole Jury Service thing has stressed me out an insane amount... its actually made me a lot worse than I was already beginning to become... its 11 years since my sister died in about a week... so October is not a good time anyway, and with the gender transition thing stalled while I rot on an NHS waiting list and with serious loneliness coming in to play, things have just dragged me back down into the mire.

So today I was back at the doctor's begging a fresh round of antidepressents :-(

And to get them, you get to do a little quiz! The "Are You Fucked Enough In The Head To Get Our Drugs Quiz"!!! I scored 20... which is majorly depressed... although we decided to moderate it to the more major end of the moderately severe... kind of 18-19, as I was trying to be pro-active about things and start the meds before I'm so fucked that I'm throwing myself onto train tracks or some-such... that way they have a chance for the chemical levels in the brain to be raised a bit before I'm hitting the proper bad stuff....

To make things worse on the loneliness thing... (and by loneliness, I don't so much mean "I'm all alone, no-one in the world gives a damn, I have no friends, [etc]" I mean "I can't stand being single, I want to share life with someone who I'm intimately and passionately involved with"... ) I have the most annoying crush on someone... I like her a lot... and I have no idea if she likes me back... I don't know if she's straight or bi... and the gender thing confuses the hell out of me when it comes down to this... cos I don't know whether if something did happen and it really is something that could be long-term, the gender thing would break it... or even stop it happenning in the first place...

And to make it more complicated, I really like having her as a friend... I don't want to wreck the friendship by being an idiot... so yeah, I daren't broach the subject even... course, I also don't have a clue how I'd broach it even if I wanted to....

So yeah, that's not making my head any better either...

As you can imagine, my head's not been the sanest of places for the past month or so......!