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well, the job centre was quiet, so that was easy... they had a couple of things... one being with Bradford College, which I already know about, but anyway, it's for the same job that i had an interview for months ago and didn't get. i guess i'll apply again, see if i can get an interview again. see if i don't get it again

they had another one, sounds like web devel... they want experience of "macromedia web design software" or something like that... i guess that might be dreamweaver or it could be flash i suppose... either way, i don't have it.... still, i think i'll apply anyway, stick in a skills list, show that i know apps in general and i suppose they might risk it... it's a junior or a trainee post, i forget which, so you never know

the weird bit is that i sound like a actually almost care about that.... damnit today isn't good... yesterday wasn't good either... i spent most of it trying not to cry my eyes out... and it started well... i got up and soaked in the tub for an hour.... got all nicely shaved and stuff and got to wear *my* stuff for a bit.... course, in someways, i think that's actually more painful than not ever doing so... atleast if i never wore that stuff, i wouldn't keep having reminders of what it's like to be myself, even for a little while.

so things went down hill from there... my parents are not a great help, especially my dad. he just barges his way into my room whenever the hell he feels like it... there is not such thing as privacy in this house.

and people wonder why i stay up till stupid times in the morning and don't get up till late morning... "why can't you keep normal hours?"

quite a lot of it is because i get a decent bit of day when there's no-one around (well, now that he's working i do anyway for a few days a week) and then i have to put up with his barging about and then i get peace for a few hours when i can get stuff done.

it's quiet and peaceful in the small hours, and when i can look out on a clear night and see the stars and the moon....

and because i'm not allowed to burn candles or inscence and because my room is not just my room but contains my mum's Guiding stuff, a computer that isn't mine and two bookcases that used to be downstairs and are now i here, with my sister's Disney videos and the photoalbums and loads of stuff that they don't want to be visible... quite a lot of it because it reminds people of Kathryn.... so *i* get it... yeah, that's a good idea... give the depressive with the history of attempted suicide *more* things to remind him of his sister, cos *that's* healthy....

damnit, sidetracked... as i was saying... i'm not allowed to burn candles or inscence because of the smoke... this one is daddy-dearest as well... it'll leave nasty waxy and smoky deposits all over the nicely painted hallway and landing that he didn't pay for... my mum was sort of shocked when i told her about that one... and there's not space in here, (i've said that, grrr) so i can't even just set up a little private altar space cause it will get disturbed or more likely with my dad, thrown in the bin as being "useless tat"...

so i look out on the quite world and i see the moon and the stars and a peaceful stillness or a raging storm, or clouds skitting across the sky and i soak it in and that's as close to practising as i can get these days... this pentagram round my neck and looking up and rejoicing in the beauty of nature...

-sigh-

i did some sums earlier... trying to work out what the cost of living would be to get a place on my own...

now this is gonna sound stupid, but i want to have somewhere with three bedrooms... i have my reasons though... generally in a 3 bed, you get a little bedroom and then two bedrooms that are pretty much equi-sized... now, in *this* house, the small bedroom is about as small as they come, it's 6'6" by 7" I believe... it's tiny and essentially square. it also just *happens* to fit the computer desks in lovely down one of the long walls... essentially you get
   --------------
  |   computer   |
  |    desks     |
  |--------------|
  |         -door|
  |  ----        
  | |unit|[s]    
   --------------
 

The unit is my sister's old chest-of-drawers... it's still get a lot of here stuff in it, and it has my Korg synth sat on top of it.

The [s] is my stereo... it doesn't get used much in there.. basically cos the only chair in there is an uncomfortable dining chair that is painful to sit on for any length of time... so i sit in my room as much as i can and do stuff over the LAN... That's also why the synth is gathering dust most of the time... I play it *very* occassionally and the lack of practice shows...

So, back to the beginning of this diatribe... small room in a 3 bedroom house... yeah, ok, so, I'd *like* a small room that's 9'x9' if possible... and i really don't mind if there's a corner missing, say for an airing cupboard, like in the small room in the 2bed place in bristol... ie:
  -------
 |       |
 |       |a
 |     +-
  --   '

In fact, that would be closer to being perfect rather than a bad thing... so long as the wall marked 'a' was long enough for the computer desks... then i could put worktop across the other end at normal desk level, rather than the high-level desks I have the computers on, and the synth, plus a PC running Cubase VST, followed later by a mixer, an amp and some small monitors would go on that worktop and 'hey presto!' i have me a space where i can get back into writing music... long term the PC would get updated so it would be "built for sound", a nice top-end dedicated audio card, dedicated MIDI card with multiple outputs, etc rather than being the soundblaster live, live drive and surround speakers i have in my windows desktop atm...

In effect, the third bedroom becomes a studio/server room.

The second bedroom, meanwhile would *eventually* get kitted out as a guest room.... I'm squashing my current desire to say "i have no friends, so this is pointless" and working on the theory that i *do* have people that might want to stay... there are atleast people i would like to invite to stay.... and that doesn't work without guest space...

and obviously the other room is for me to sleep in and gets first dibs on the decorating ;-)

Now, renting up here is a *lot* cheaper than it was in bristol.... so the 525pcm i was paying down there would get me a *lot* more property around here... a two bed bed mid terrace is under 400, although not in suburbia like the bristol place... a 2 bed "luxurious" newly built semi-detached in suburbia is going for 495pcm.... three beds start at 425pcm for a terrace in harehills 545pcm for three bed semi in suburbia... and the max on Fish4Lettings for a 3 bed house is 600pcm for a detached...

and the 525pcm would have been 540pcm if i had renewed the lease...

so for an extra 60 quid a month, i could be living in a spacious 3 bedroom detached house in suburbia-land, Leeds, rather than a quite pokey 2 bedroom mid-terrace "town house" IOW, modern terrace, in suburbia-land, Bristol....

i think that that 60 quid would be well spent...

I also have a piece of good news this week from the Student Loans Company... I now have to earn more than 1780pcm gross before i have to start paying them off :-) that means i can get any job that pays upto, in theory, 21,360 gross/annum, 21,000 to be safe, and not pay a penny of my loan back... at 22% tax on the whole amount (ie; ignoring the 0% allowance of 4800 or so and the 10% allowance upto 10000 or so) and i would take home about 16,400... probably a bit more after it was all sorted out with proper taxation and stuff, even after National Insurance and any pension schemes, etc... that's 1,365pcm take home pay!

and some of the jobs i've applied for recently should pay about 20k... course, some are only 15k... 20k is about 1,300pcm, whereas 15k is less than 1,000pcm...

so, the house... 600pcm rent, plus, say, 300pcm for food, orange juice, milk, coffee, bubblebath, razorblades, etc, etc, etc...

and then there are bills.. these are always fun to work out, cos i just don't know what to expect from them. Council tax is probably about 1,000 for the year, in ten lumps (don't ask why they do it like that cos i don't have a clue....). water is probably 250 for a year, possibly less, i don't know... if i'm on a meter it could be fun though... i like my baths... and if i'm working, my night-time plan goes, get home, make food, eat food, have long bath, geek/tv/read/etc, bed.... that's a bath a day.... and i like my bath as full as i can get it... as in, up to the overflow when i'm sat in it... electric, i don't know... i never got a bill for the bristol house... i *suspect* my landlord paid it from rent though, hence the 15pcm increase in rent... that sounds a bit more than just inflation.... my general guestimate is to say 1000 a year for electric.... but i'd have to see what it was like with the main computers running 24/7, like they are now incidentally... and as for a gas bill... i really can't remember back to when i paid one of those back in my first year at uni... i guess that one could be a grand a year aswell.... and then there's internet/telephone and possibly cable tv.... telewest was about 55pcm i think for the top tv package and standard broadband and then the phone rental is free... so that's another, hm, 700 quid... so that looks like being about 4k for all the bills...

all of that lot looks to come out at under 15k... about 1250pcm... which is less than the 20k and all the sums look rosy :-D

and yes, i'm playing fantasy i-got-a-job cos it's cheerier than thinking about the other crap that's around...

anyway, i've been doing this for an hour and a half...