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13th May, 2003

Today is going to be a Bad Day... a *VERY* Bad Day. I can tell.

It's pretty easy really. Any music that is even *remotely* cheerful makes me feel like tearing myself to pieces. And the music that's sad enough to listen to makes me want to cry my eyes out. It's not much of a step anyway, I feel like just curling up and balling my eyes out anyway, the music just focuses that a little, makes it a little sharper and then prods me with it.

I don't know whats wrong with me atm. I'm just mega-tearful, not eating a lot and on the face of things, dropping back into depression. But my concentration is still there. It's the only thing thats keeping me from falling apart right now. I mean, ok, I'm unemployed, and thats getting to me, and i'm living with my parents, which i *loathe*, oh and there's the whole gender thing, but apart from that, i'm actually in a fairly good way atm. And yet I feel like the best way out of this hole (whatever it is) is to cut the bottom out of it and drop out beneath it. In a bodybag.

Stop being melodramatic?

Yeah. That'll work.

Sometimes melodrama is the only thing left to keep you alive.

In some ways, it gives a sense of depth to reality that is otherwise lacking. And right now, reality is a obut a micron deep and fading fast.