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OK, so i've not been on for a while... still sorting out the move, which is not fun. Stressed and tired and emotionally not good :-(
I seem to be loosing the ability to seperate depression-thoughts from me-thoughts... which is never good, this is when Bad Stuff happens. That house symbolises a lot, and most of that symbolism is now negative.
I fail like i'm taking an immense backward step by going back to my parents. I've been away and atleast able to delude myself into believeing i'm doing stuff without them, for a few years. And now i'm going back because i can't afford to live in the real-world. It's financially just not viable... All the State Benefits i'm entitled to don't cover my rent and my bills. By about £15... and thats before i start considering what i'll eat... or my electric bill, which i haven't had a bill for to-date, so i don't know how much that is...
I've been soaking up their money for too long... nearly a year at about £600pcm... thats a *lot*...
So i find myself having to go back there.
i don't want to. that's not a forceful enough description of my desire not to live in that house. but its a start...
i can do short visits... a week is bareable, just, but this could be longer-term in the *long*er term sense... months of it... living there, with my dad in the house alot too cos he quit his job... and my mum working, then coming home and working more, and stressing cos she's doing so much more than she's used to, and shes dead-tired... its not going to be good.
and thats before i start to think about other stff thats going on... i mean, i'm not exactly in the best of places emotionally right now, i don't want to be fighting a breakdown with them around. and i *really* don't want them "helping".
And then there's e issue of tg-me. i'm gonna spend most of my time for thenext few months stressed beyond belief.
<sigh>
i really wish sometimes that i'd been a bit better at doing stuff a few years back. would eliminate so many things right now... me for one.
oh well, gonna go to bed.
Will be in Leeds and living with the parentals as of tuesday night.
<curls up and rocks back and forth, resisting urge to cry>