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OK, this started as a comment in response to this comment by Ambyguity....

Except it grew a bit too big, plus I don't want this in public-land... or even general friends land...

There's one person I'd kinda like to read this, but I'm not 100% sure of whether the reason i'd like them to is actually based on a fact.... *fuckit*....

Oh, and it's gotten quite long too.... so it's gone in a cut...




When (I suppose that should be if and when really) I start to do stuff about it, the sizing is gonna be a little beyond control, atleast to begin with cos I'm planning on going down the hormone therapy route... so what my body decides is right is gonna be where it decides to stop... I'm not sure I like the idea of surgery (and that's a general no-likey not specific to this... my sister died after surgery, so i have a (slight) operation-phobia....).... and cosmetic surgery is something i'd like to think i'd be happy enough in myself not to consider, but i can't really attest to that....

I guess doing something about it is becoming more and more certain... I bought me a *nummy* black leather underbust corset with blue satin panelling (there's a picture here - and yes, I *do* want the dress too... cept it's discontinued, so I'm preying they have one left in a UK14 in black....if so, it's *mine* :-))... and thats the closest i've gotten so far to actually *having* a chest... it's quite spokey how right it feels.... plus the corset feels *so* good! ;-)

The more I get into this and the more i explore just how far this extends into my psyche, the more i realise that i'm right about this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that "going girl" is gonna fix all my problems, cure world hunger, illicit world peace, depose Geaorge W and make my life perfect.... I'm not that naive...

All I'm saying is that as a guy, I'm unhappy, and one of the things that I'm unhappy about is being a guy... I've never felt comfortable in this body, and the longer I've been in it, the less I've grown into it... the more wrong it's felt.

Yes, i have self-esteem issues, even "in girl", thats true, but in girl i feel attractive... no, not quite true... because in girl at the moment means dressed as, and not that convincingly either... i feel that i could be attractive... the potential is there... whereas in guy, i've never even felt that... even when i've been dating, even when the person i was involved with says "you're cute" or whatever, i've never believed it... not really... i've felt flattered that the person has cared enough to say so, but there's always been an element of "oh they're being nice..."

But if I'm gonna be unhappy, why on *earth* should i be unhappy about something so fundamental..? Especially when there are things i can do about it...

Yes i've had a crappy few days recently, although that's sorted now, at a fundamental level, i'm feeling better than i have for a very long time... i guess i've made a fairly major change in my approach to stuff as of late... i'm not squashing these feelings or denying them, i've let the girl out to play, and she's not going away now.

And in the little bit of time i've been getting to know her properly, shes so much more *me* than the guy ever was....

Comments

( 11 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
(Deleted comment)
littlemissgoth
17th Jan, 2003 05:05 (UTC)
Part of me just says <blush> to that... *^_^*

Then there's the part that says "what if no-one actually loves me for me....."

Which'd be the self-esteem-thing talking...

I know it well enough to spot it most of the time... I can't always fight it, but I see it most times...
(Deleted comment)
littlemissgoth
17th Jan, 2003 13:14 (UTC)
Hehe! :-)

Thank you hun.. that means a great deal to me :-)
(Deleted comment)
littlemissgoth
17th Jan, 2003 13:35 (UTC)


Yep :-)
(Deleted comment)
littlemissgoth
18th Jan, 2003 17:00 (UTC)
<grins and blushes> Awww... did I ever tell you you can be *so* sweet :-)

<hugs tight>
(Deleted comment)
littlemissgoth
19th Jan, 2003 01:23 (UTC)
<giggle> Um... a *sweet* lunatic..?!? ;-)
(Deleted comment)
( 11 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )