?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Web | Next Web

Two years.... urk....

Saw something like this in aislingthoughts journal... thought I'd have a go and see if I can remember stuff... it's taken me a while to get around to doing it... cos i'm not 100% sure about this....


Two years ago I was on top of my final year of uni.

I was in front of my schedule for my Project and I was doing pretty good at understanding my lectures and tutorials and things... even though I wasn't attending as much as I really should have, I *was* going in... and that in it'self is a miracle....

In a couple of weeks, that all changes.

The Christmas break, supposedly a happy time.

Saw my grandad a couple of times. That's when it really sinks in how bad he is... becuase I didn't get to see him regularly, I always got a marked impression of how much his condition had changed. he'd kept having mini-strokes every so often, but nothing big for quite some time. He was in a nursing home, and he was pretty much out of our reality... living in a world made up of people he'd known in his life... it was heartbreaking to see him like that, but he was seeming to improve a bit.

Came back down to bristol, a few weeks of study time to get some project done... I do some, but i'm falling behind... depression is starting to take effect... not *bad*, it's just there... I'm about two weeks behind schedule by the end of the christmas period. And the schedule has time built-in for catching up.

End of January, 2001. My grandad dies.

It's the first week back after the christmas break, and I'm at home for his funeral.

That depression that was hovering around comes down on me hard.

Sometime during the early part of that year, I met a few people on-line, some of whom I even still speak to... one on a very regular basis... I met quite a few people really... all tied up in Soviet-Empire.com... most of them "virtual" people... There are only three on-line poeple I still speak to that I know from that time... two of them I speak to rarely... one I'm in love with... took me a while to figure that one out though....

Anyway... the next few months of Uni I didn't do very much... I muddled through trying to get my head together enough to write code and do the Project write-up... and failed quite spectacularly to do so.

Came to mid-March, and assignments are due in... so I rush around like a mad-person collecting work and notes and some how manage to submit stuff... can't remember if i submitted everything I needed....

Was advised to basically let the project slide... get something in, but not to do too much more on it... and go for Extenuating Cirumstances.

July I met Hannah....

So I failed my final year, or rather I got to defer my final year to the resits.

'Cept I'd given up on it by now.

I couldn't think straight, I was a *mess*...

I didn't do the work that I needed on the project.. .I couldn't... writing code was like writing ancient chinese... not a chance of me doing it... I did what I could, I wrote my project write up as a theoretical thing... "this is what would have happened if..."... and I lied a tiny bit...

In the end I scraped 42% on my project... without writing very much more code... I did manage to get a piece of Perl half-working... to crunch through a MIDI file and output all the info... I screwed up the binary-reading a little, but the general concept looked good...

And somehow I managed to scrape through all the modules... a few resits.. including one that i truly scraped... passed it by the barest margin... Analysis of Algorithms... the subject I could do absolutely fine in the lectorials but couldn't do pretty much as soon as I left the room.... it was like that was the only room I could manage to figure this stuff out in, and in that room it was as easy as breathing. Freaky.

I lost Internet, and I figured that Sarah basically had a crush and that with a couple of months not talking, she'd not want to talk to me any more.

So, Hannah and I ended up going out... then we ended up getting engaged... which was never meant to happen... it was a mistake... a joke that didn't go quite how i expected... (and yes, I *know*... ***DUMB*** joke....). I guess I figured that we felt comfy... I wasn't in love with her, but I cared about her a lot, and that that would probably be the best i could hope for.

Retrospect is a wonderful thing... Hannah and I were a mistake... not going out, but making anything more of it than dating-friends... we ended up in a golfish-bowl relationship... and we eventually self-destructed... we got out of it with a friendship... *just*... any longer in the bowl and we wouldn't have even had that... I don't *think* we've done each other any real permanent damage.

You see, during that time when I had no Internet, I kinda figured out how I felt about Sarah... the big clue I guess was that i felt like someone had stolen a huge part of me... like it was just not there anymore...

After a couple of months, I managed to get Internet back... and I hardly dared hope... and I stayed quiet. stayed off IM... because I didn't want to know... didn't want to find out that she *had* gotten over the crush.

She hadn't.... patronising old fuck that I am... I think that was the point where I realised that she's far more adult than most adults... she knows her feelings har better anyway...

Beginning of November 2001, and I'm out of work. The place I was at "can't afford to keep [me] on"... this turns out to be total *BULL* when they later manage to "find" £360,000 pounds to tear out the IT infrastructure and replace it with shit that *still* doesn't work... The plans that we (my boss, Lynda, and I) had would have had the entire system running with a Gigabit fibre backbone and 100 Mbit switched to the desktop througout the site. And if we'd had £360k to play with, I think we'd probably have managed to find atleast a 10mbit/s SuperJaNET/Internet pipe too.... instead, the place is using RM and still only has 2mbit/s Net....

I'm glad I'm not there.

The last year has seen Hannah and I move into a house, which helped with the fighting for a while.. more space... and the disintegration of that relationship... raging fights, huge arguements, and the last fight where the end hit us like my cup smashing into the wall... No money, no job... no self-esteem and getting to be no self-respect.

But I still have hope.

Just.

I have hope that somehow this will come good...

I have hope that in the end, Sarah and I will manage to get together and it will work... the problems we have add up to about 4240.., and they're measured in miles.... or you can measure them in money, the plane fares and hotel bills that flying 4240 miles would incur.... or maybe in timezones... there is a difference of 5 hours between us... sure, we have our own personal problems... and neither of us is 100% sane even vaguelly close to any of the time... but we do seem to help one-another with those most of the time...

I need a job. In one month or so, I'll know whether I'm staying in Bristol. If I don't have a job or atleast the liklihood of one, then it's a no-no... In fact, it's pretty much a no-no now... because nothing I have to apply for (there are about 4 right now, all over the country) is in Bristol, or even close.

I'd like a job that pays well, but I'll settle for a job... I have a degree in Computer Science.. alright, it's not the degree I *could* get if I had my head together during the final year of taking it, but it's a degree... and I can *do* computers... I've been doing them since about 1984... since my Spectrum days. I can write code in enough languages and I can use enough different systems that someone should be able to find a use for me... I'm learning stuff... I'm making myself learn new languages and new skills... I don't know that there are many people out there learning Fortran right now... or Forth or Lisp... the books I borrowed from UWE library certainly haven't been out for a couple of years, and there are hundreds of computing students of one ilk or another there...

Hmph... that feels like alot of writing.. it's taken over an hour... damn.. I ran a bath... <sigh>... suppose it *might* be warm enough still....

Comments

( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )
missmorganna
9th Dec, 2002 09:45 (UTC)
Hi there,
I noticed you added me to your friends list, so I wanted to drop by and say hello!

As I was reading your entry, I also went over my life the past two years...oh boy, how it rehashes all these memories....


Anyways, I'm adding you back :)
littlemissgoth
10th Dec, 2002 10:52 (UTC)
Hi

Thanks for adding me to your friends list.

I guess I should explain that I basically use my friends list to make me reading life easier... and I read quite a few journals of people I don't know IRL...

Oh... if you wanna know a (little) bit more about me, my (very incomplete) website has some more stuff on that stunningly interesting (hmm.. sarcasm again...) topic.

Thanks again :-)

LmG
( 2 Mobwebs — Spin A Cobweb )