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92

It's been one of those days where nothing happens... and nothing could happen if it tried...

I was up till *way* early this morning.. got to bed around 5... just chatting and getting colder and colder. It took me, like, half an hour to feel warm, just wrapped up tight in my duvet.

I slept... for once I'm sleeping... I've slept something ridiculous like twenty-six hours in the last forty-eight... Course, I didn't get much sleep at the weekenc, so it could just be catch up...

I'm off real-world time though.... which is bad.... I'm waking up at, like, 4 in the afternoon and i'm not getting to sleep until gone 5am... my days and nights are fucked up... i'm in an inverted time-zone, and it's *weird* and depressing. I miss the sun... and the sun helps keep me sane in the winter.... if i don't see it, don't feel it's weakened touch on my face, i start to drift a long way from the world...

So I now have the fun task of trying to force my sleep-cycle back into sync with the rest of the country...

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This piece of music is so pretty... so heart-breakingly beautiful... haunting... skin-tingly... it makes almost always brings me to the point of tears.... just like the Orange Juice piece in Brassed Off (En Aranjuez Con Tu Amor by Rodrigo to be more accurate about it's name)...

Music like that just reaches inside me and destroys any reserves of strength i have... my defences don't cope with music... people, places, voices, even some memories.... I can stop them from affecting me... i can't stop them hurting, but i can crush the response... the appearance of hurt never surfaces... I guess you'd call it control... or bottling-it-up... i don't know.... i don't know if it's a good thing to do or not.... psychologists would probably say it's not... repression and such-like.... all i know is that that's how i deal with stuff.... i crush it when it's *really* painful... and it comes out slowly over time, in private, in smaller, more manageable bits.... it's kept me alive... ok, that's not *quite* true... it's kept me from making as many attempts to kill myself as i might have made otherwise....

I can sit and I can tell you so much stuff about my sister... about her heart condition and the operation and what it was supposed to do, what it did and why she didn't come through it... i can disassociate that stuff... i've told it so many times, it's blasé... it rolls off my tongue without me having to think about it... my brain actually turns off when i'm talking about this stuff... it's like an autonomic response or something... or a little kathrynd daemon that handles any queries made of me regarding her.....

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OK, so i have far too much thinking time right now.... i'm gonna have to start focussing on keeping my head busy... i'm letting myself fall back into the abyss.... gonna have to start fighting to stay functional again.......

<sigh>

One day i'm gonna be able to not have to do this.... one day i'll actually manage to be on top of this... and not just for a few weeks or months.