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Well, it's nearly 4:30am

I didn't want to go to bed. i still don't. bed means sleep, and sleep is bad right now. i wake more tired than before i slept.

so i've been watching tv... doctor who and some weird thing with martin clunes... sex'n'death.. wasn't bad actually... about a show that's kindof beadle's about on acid and steroids....

but it's all gone now.

even the bad tv has finished.. now we're into utter crap and i can't stand to watch that... utter crap or 24 hour news.... and we *know* how fun the news is....

I realised something tonight.

When i'm in suicide mode... when all i really wanna do is curl up and die somewhere quietly with no-one ever noticing i've gone... i'm not actually after death. i just want peace.

i miss peace.

i miss feeling at peace with myself, i miss feeling at peace with the world. or nature, the universe... not really this world... i doubt i'll ever feel at peace with the current track this world is on

<sigh>

I miss peace