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It's starting... I'm starting to fade... reality seems less solid, less real, less important... it won't be long till i can just melt away... dissolve into the floorboards and soak into the ground like so much spilt coffee...

sarah's friend was in a car crash... i can't be there for her, and as far as i can tell, she doesn't want me to be. i don't think she wants me at all right now. we were talking, we were getting along, it was nice. then she tells me that, i'm stunned, she then tells me that she's not gonna live if he doesn't, i ask her not to leave me, she shrugs. end of conversation, after that there's a big long pause, then she's off. i guess i really am not worth bothering about.

i didn't get to sleep till gone 6 this morning... just laying there, tossing and turning, scared and worried and very alone.

the room is quiet.. a chainsaw is buzzing outside somewhere, and my computer is humming away to itself. i should play some music, give my brain words and rhythms to latch onto, concentrate on the sound, anchor me...

she's alive, or atleast she was... there are journal posts up until, according to her info page anyway, 2 hours ago. <shrug> i hope she has a wonderful life, she deserves it.

i'm just gonna keep fading, maybe cry a little, but i haven't the strength to stop this. i'm too tired, too drained, too empty, too hurt and lonely.

i love her. and that is all i have. the only thing to cling to as the world slips from sight.

does she love me?

who knows?